Substance abuse prevention

Hear From the Expert Feature Article

Dear Expert,

How do I reach my son in this era of instant messaging, MTV and other parents letting their kids run wild?

- A Parent

Dear Parent,

Parenting is a tough job. As children grow, their needs and behaviors change. Just as you think you understand them, it is time to adapt. One thing that never changes is that parents are the most important influences in their kids' lives. Don't give up!

As they reach their teens, it is developmentally appropriate for kids to turn to their peers for the comfort, support, and advise, that parents used to provide. Some parents feel like their predictable, obedient kids transform overnight into moody, volatile teens. Parents often feel shut out behind closed doors as their teens plug into their computers, phones, and popular culture. Despite this shift, teens need their parents as much as kids do. Studies show that the difference between successful and unproductive youth, is parental involvement. We know that significant factors in preventing alcohol and drug abuse is a strong bond between kids and their parents, parental involvement in their kid's lives, and clear and consistent enforcement of discipline.

While it may be teens' developmental task to question you, fight limits, and assert their individuality, it is your job as a parent to set reasonable limits, state your expectations, and know your teen's friends and their activities. We all know that there are multiple influences on teens today. The speed of information has made it easy for your kids to be inundated with information faster than they can process it. Much of it can be contrary to your family values; some of it can be promoting unsafe or illegal behaviors. With all the competing messages out there, yours needs to be clear and consistent. Your message will probably never be as tempting as what their friends advise, or as cool as something on MYSPACE, but it is essential to make it be heard. Remember that even when it seems like you have said it one hundred times, it may be the 101st that makes it stick. Build on the foundation that you have given them.

If your teen does not seem to ever want to talk, find ways to reach them by knowing about their interests and friends. Expand your opportunities to communicate by picking them up, going out to breakfast, doing community service together. Teens are also watching you, so try to practice what you preach. Be specific about your rules and the consequences for breaking them. Follow through when your teen breaks the rules. Know where your kids are, even when they resist telling you, or insist no other parents ask, because it is your right to know. Your teens can create a secret life if you do not insist on being part of it.

Key Points:

• Be specific about your expectations for homework, curfews, going out, chores, being told the truth, phone and computer use, music etc..
• Hold your teen accountable for their/his/her actions. Be clear about consequences.
• Tell your teens that you do not allow them to use drugs and alcohol.
• Trust your instincts. If you think that your teen is in trouble or needs help, there is probably a good reason for it.
• Talk about what you have personally observed, if pointing out a concern.
• Timing is important. Right before school, in front of peers, are not good times to bring issues up. Try to find an uninterrupted time to talk to your teen.
• Talk about how you feel, using "I" statements instead of accusing.
• Parent your teen-do not try to be his/her best friend.

Remember that you are not alone. Reach out to other parents who share your concerns. There are many resources in our communities that can help. Please contact your Student Assistance Counselors in your schools for help.

For any questions or comments, please call the expert (Sarah Laidler, MA, LMHC, Licensed Student Assistance Counselor, Narragansett High School, 401-792-9400 Ext. 4023, or email Sarah) and mention the Hear From the Expert article at Be In The Know RI.

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