Substance abuse prevention

Hear From the Expert Feature Article

Dear Expert,

My daughter is a good student, has always been respectful and is well liked by adults and friends. She just turned 15 and I'm feeling like she's not telling me everything and I'm not sure I believe all she tells me. I don't want to over react, but how much can you trust a teenager?

- A Parent

Dear Parent,

Adults who work with children have learned that ALL teens will manipulate, lie, create confusion and blame the other guy. That does not mean teens are "bad" or innately dishonest. It is just the way things are going to be for a few years.

Kids take The Path of Least Resistance by omitting, fibbing, convoluting and denying. Their goal is simply to get their way with the least amount of interruption or delay towards their goal.

For instance; if you like your daughter's friend "Kathy" but your daughter is really going to Emily's house (you don't know Emily or don't like the neighborhood she lives), your daughter will tell you she is going to Kathy's.

This gets her where she is going fast without your questions and you let her go, comfortable with her destination. Going to Emily's might be totally harmless but it never-the-less provoked a lie due to your innate relationship with your teen as her parent, life guard and "boss." The problem with this little lie is that it leads to decreased communication with your teen as she can't share her day honestly with you and all of this compiles to make for us losing touch with our child's REAL life.

WE, as parents are also guilty of The Path of Least Resistance. If our daughter is going to Kathy's, that's good and we can get on with our one hundred other things and not worry about our teen.

In order to minimize the lying and losing touch with our teens, we have to be skeptical and remain in control. A call to Kathy's house is necessary. Tell your daughter you will do this and follow through. If you do it once in a while, it will keep her honest.

Your teen will not admit to using drugs or alcohol, but if you are concerned it is likely for a legitimate reason. Waiting up, picking them up and watching for all the signs of substance abuse is your job. Your teen is still the child with all of the wonderful qualities and quirks they were at ten and this needs to keep you going through the tough years of adolescents when we are being tested for limits and tolerance.

Don't accept lying. If your teen is caught, make it clear that it forces you to check on them constantly until they reestablish trust. Stay in control. Set clear rules about curfews and responsibilities. Discuss openly your feelings about sobriety and consequences for disobeying. If you think your child is engaged in dangerous behavior, act on it immediately. Drug testing is reliable and easily available at local police stations, drugstores and through your doctor. Do not allow you child to drive if he/she is not trustworthy in regards to substance abuse. This is good leverage for parents to deter use.

Privacy is earned, not a given and if you suspect your child of dangerous behavior, it is your responsibility to make sure they are safe. The more honest your child is forced to be, the better you will know your child. Teens depend on us to set limits, expect them to do their best and keep them safe. Teen years are the most crucial years of life and the most difficult; for both the teen and their parents.

For any questions or comments, please call the expert (Danette Bray, Student Assistance Counselor, Chariho High School, (401) 364-7778 Ext. 2143, or email Danette) and mention the Hear From the Expert article at Be In The Know RI.

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