Substance abuse prevention

Hear From the Expert Feature Article

Dear Expert,

What is the Real Impact of a Parents Drinking?

- A Parent

Dear Parent,

The group of teenagers are talking about what it is like having an alcoholic parent. One relates an incident when she was in the sixth grade. She was at a friend's house when her friend's mom patted her on the head and told her to "run along home." It was Friday at 4:00 and she knew that a few of her other friends had been invited to stay there for dinner and a sleep over.

Andrea talks of having a heavy heart and feeling incredible shame. As she walked home she knew why the girl's mom didn't what her to stay. She explains by telling the girls about a previous sleep over at this friend's home. Her mom called several times drunk begging her to come home.

What would have been an "awesome" night of "giddy pre-teen" things for Andrea was a night filled with anguish over when the phone would ring again. She recalls hiding in the kitchen in the dark so that she could grab the phone on the first ring so that her friend's parents would not hear.

Andrea goes on to talk about her mom's drinking and how her life was affected. For example, she shares that once when her friends were having a game of "Truth or Dare," she was absorbed in the fun until they sheepishly revealed a painful truth to her.

"We are not allowed to be with you too much because of your mom," they shared. "We can't go to your house because our parents are afraid of what will happen. We know a lot about your mom," they added. Eventually, they tell her that they know about her mom hanging in all the bars.

Andrea talks about how she deals with the shame and pain. "That's the day my heart cracked in half," she says softly. "Those friends were everything to me. I was fascinated by their lives and often felt like a spy because I constantly studied how they and other people lived."

"I would go home and use the things I'd learned on my little brother. I tried to make sandwiches like one's mom and tried to pay attention to table manners like another. The game of 'Truth or Dare' made me feel hopeless. It was like I'd gotten caught stealing or doing something really evil."

Andrea reports vowing that from that day on she would be the best she could be. "I'll make them see that I'm well brought up," she decided. "I became 'super kid' and parent all in one."

She tells about keeping the house clean, putting her brother to bed after fixing his dinner and reading to him. She recalls spending many nights asleep in the living room with the TV on as she waited for her mom to come home. When her mom finally comes she listens to the usual sobs and sorrow and puts her to bed. The next day she'd go to school, get great marks, and join everything there was to join.

"What compliments I'd get!" she says. Somehow, though, she shared that she always felt that when they were marveling at what a great kid she was, she felt that they were probably adding, "for the kid of a drunk." She remembers that she was driven by anger and shame, never by enthusiasm or joy.

Finally when she got tired of pretending, she found some kids who accepted her and she finally felt like a real soul sister to the group. She fit with them because their parents were also alcoholic and had messed up families too. "We didn't have anything to prove to each other." The healing process for these adolescents must include filling them with what they lost.

Andrea says that with these new friends she found a wonderful way to forget the pain: she began to drink. It took her a long time to stop drinking and drugging. Her mom, who was always drunk, got sober and was the one that carried her daughter through. "We carried each other during the times we could not carry ourselves" she says with a smile.

For any questions or comments, please call the expert (Susan D. Wallace, Executive Director, CaritasRI, (401) 722-4644 Ext. 301, visit CaritasRI.org, or email Susan) and mention the Hear From the Expert article at Be In The Know RI.

Link to Hear From the Experts Archive

Hear Recent
Radio Spots

"Purchasing 1"
Radio Ad

"Purchasing 2"
Radio Ad

"Purchasing 3"
Radio Ad

"Ask Your Kids"
Radio Ad