Substance abuse prevention

Hear From the Expert Feature Article

Dear Expert,

What do kids need to stay substance free?

- A Parent

Dear Parent,

My Heavens - What will we do - we can wring our hands but we can't solve the problem until we understand why the problem exists in the first place. Drug and alcohol use among kids is out of control and the usual responses are knee jerk reactions that are meaningless because people grab at straws trying to do something, anything to stop the madness. There are plenty of ideas and rarely ones that make sense because it's much harder to make sense out of emotionally charged issues. We all probably know the story of how we are always chasing the elusive butterfly but when we stop he sits on our shoulder. The answer is closer than anyone thinks; as a matter of fact it's right on all of our shoulders.

The answer is to give kids what they need so that they don't need drugs. I'm talking about kids who drink and do drugs to block emotional pain; the reason why most kids use. Everyone has emotional pain and when kids feel it, some have a ready solution - drugs and alcohol. Here's the blueprint - Kids need six things - nurture, structure, predictability, open communication, respect for the individual and adults in charge. Yes, I mean adults in charge and when they are not, how did it happen that the kids took over? Whose shoulders are they sitting on anyway? I regularly work with disrespectful, controlling kids who terrify, insult and treat their parents like garbage. One particularly loud wild woman pits her divorcing parents against each other. They don't support or discipline together so the angry drug-abusing adolescent always gets her way. Parents coming together, cracking down and disciplining without wavering on what needs to happen.

Nurture in the dictionary is "anything that nourishes" like food. Most kids get food but nurture is also about being available emotionally and connecting. Lack of emotional food such as telling and showing your kids daily how much they are loved causes an emptiness that is often filled up by drugs, alcohol and sex. What they need is their family but too many of these kids live like orphans left to fend for themselves. This country has too many families that have gone the way of the 5-cent cigar and being called family is in name only.

Structure and predictability is a preparation for life, school and work; when a family is scattered they get out of control. Structure and predictability is about knowing the rules and standards of the family and what is going to happen and when. It is how the family operates and spends its time. Among some of the things that this structure allows for is adults to be counted on thereby helping kids feel safe. It's about parents coming home from work at a certain hour; kids having chores; family together at dinnertime and homework time, TV time, bedtime and enjoying life together.

Open communication does not often happen in families when problems like alcoholism, mental illness and substance abuse are an issue because it's too scary. Many parents who suspect that their kids are using drugs don't confront them because they think it will make things worse as substance use is an emotionally charged issue that often causes families to be judged. Kids also need to hear human voices as opposed to TV, cell phones, computers and iPods. Today's technology often blocks real family communication.

Respect for the individual - An adolescent boy once shared that his father was mean to him because he wasn't an athlete like his brother. He said his dad would make him come outside and keep throwing a hard baseball at him. He would after so many painful hits to the chest, collapse and cry. His dad would call him "girl", "sissy" and "wimp". This boy is a gentle soul with depth and character. When he was in treatment he was always defending the underdog. He deserves the utmost respect based solely on who he is.

So folks, that's the blueprint! By the way, who are those kids out skateboarding on school nights? If one is yours, go out, find him and give him a real reason to come home.

For any questions or comments, please call the expert (Susan D. Wallace, Executive Director, CaritasRI, (401) 722-4644 Ext. 301, visit CaritasRI.org, or email Susan) and mention the Hear From the Expert article at Be In The Know RI.

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