Substance abuse prevention

Hear From the Expert Feature Article

Dear Expert,

Why do all parents need to understand the consequences of an adolescent's drug use?

- A Parent

Dear Parent,

A quote by Oliver Wendell Holmes aptly describes substance use and addiction. "Most persons have died before they expired - died to all earthly longings, so that the last breath is only locking the doors of the already deserted mansion."

The saddest thing I ever experienced while working with adolescent substance abusers, was to hear a parent whose son had died from a heroin overdose say "at least I know where he is and he's not cold". She goes on to say that while he was shooting heroin, the thought of him freezing to death was always a worry. She'd often pictured him lying in the street somewhere suffering and unable to get up or get out of the cold.

Some may feel confused at her statement, those who understand are parents who suffer with the same issue. It is unimaginable that a parent can get to the point where the death of a child is almost a blessing. Almost means when all options seem over and a recovery appears to be out of reach. Death is the last thing parents want to happen to their precious children, but sometimes the parent gets tired of the up and down and reach a bottom when they realize that their loved one has no place to go but up.

This Mom, put everything into saving her child and early on when she had hope she prayed and begged for a miracle. At times, she became enthusiastic as he would tell her "Don't worry Ma - I really want it this time." Her hopes would get dashed and she would get back into the begging and "I need a miracle" mode. He entered and exited program after program for varying lengths of time. She would always tell herself that she knew he would get well - when he didn't she still tried. She would often let him come home and his ravaged face would make her heart sink knowing "he's still sick" but she always kept it to herself because speaking of it would make it real. She treasured the times when he would come home and all she could do was to fix a meal and encourage him to get some sleep. This brief grab for solace always made her feel calmer. At these times she knew he was full, he was warm, he was safe and she could be his mother for at least one more night.

Friends and relatives haven't been there for the emotional sessions where she reassures her son that he is loved no matter what; that he is killing her; that she can't bear to lose him; that he is her baby; she wants him to let her help. They aren't there for the lonely nights waiting for the phone to ring or a car to drive up and drop him off. Sometimes friends and relatives are critical of her when she becomes overwhelmingly angry often saying, "I wash my hands of him." She knows she can't really do that but anger takes over and it's a very understandable emotion. The path of addiction can end in death - or living hell or a meaningful life. She'd give her life for him to live.

There are people in AA who are much older, wiser and were sicker. When they finally "get it" they view life as precious. One man with a wonderful sense of humor almost died from alcohol dozens of times. He finally "got it and he'll never let go - he fairly dances with joy - and many latch on to his spirit - He says that if he can get sober so can any "drunk" even those under a park bench. I'll bet this mother, in retrospect, realized that her suffering is worth it.

This mother, who is speaking, lived a roller coaster of hope, fear, anger and submission but never wanted him to die. When he finally died she felt some peace. Like most of us, she knew that where there was life, there was hope - when there was no hope, after a time peace comes.

For any questions or comments, please call the expert (Susan D. Wallace, Executive Director, CaritasRI, (401) 722-4644 Ext. 301, visit CaritasRI.org, or email Susan) and mention the Hear From the Expert article at Be In The Know RI.

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